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I know they say that you should only write down the good, but lets be real... "real" people have up and down days. We can't always be happy or in a super good mood. Today I'm having one of those days where you feel a failure as a parent. Thought it was going to be a good day in fact. Take the boys to McDonalds for lunch, go to therapy for Damon, and thats pretty much where it went down hill.

I didn't choose to be the mom for Damon. There is obviously a plan for our family with him, but in the here and now, its a lot of work! Especially being 9 months pregnant and lifting around a 33 lb boy while getting another to follow us to all these appointments where he can't play with all the toys that are surrounding him. Asking a 3 year old to sit while your brother gets to play with all the fun toys is hard. Hard to get him to understand at this age that he can't play with all the things because of liability issues and the list goes on.

Damon has been having his evaluations for Occupational, Physical, and speech therapy and you would think that by now, I would have a binder I could just hand to them and they can read up about him. Maybe I can be more organized that way. But the same questions day in and day out, what can he do, what are your goals for therapy, how does he eat, what does he play with, what is his routine for a day. If I was a really good mom, I would say, wake up, try and feed him breakfast with us, work on therapy things all morning, naps, and continue therapy and stretching in the afternoon, put him in his stander, his walker... But when they ask me, I feel that I don't do anything with him. He doesnt eat meals with us, he doesnt get to always go outside when we do, so he sits. Really do I tell them that?

Therapy questions: When was his last swallow study, are these all his medications, when was his surgeries, when was the last time he had services, and the list goes on and on. To be honest, I don't work with him like I should, I dont put him in his stander and walker daily. But then you get grilled that you need to be working on these things at home all the time. emm... ok... Because I have all the time and energy to do so. Yes please. I think I heard over a dozen times in the last 2 days, you have your hands full and they are just going to get busier. I just wonder what is going on in their little minds that she has 2, one with disabilities and and she's pregnant again? Does she know how this happens? yes in fact I do. I keep trying to keep in the back of my mind, that this is temporary and the kids will be older, and many great things will come when they are older. But therapies multiple times a week, is taking a lot out of me.

Well so my rant has gone on, but it's ok for me. Things need to be said on paper because I can't tell anyone, not even Juan, because nobody get's it unless you know what it is I'm going through. The moms out there with disabled children are about the only ones to really know.