DEFEATED

These little numbers above are my LIFE! Literally why I get up in the morning. As I write this, I'm sitting next my our bay window and can see all the golden leaves on the ground, and we are surrounded by the gorgeous trees in the park in our back yard. I can't help but feel blessed these days by what we have, but I am also feeling so defeated.

By having kids you give up everything! I feel like I give up everything and more by having a special needs child. Life really is a roller coaster ride with them. They can be perfectly "normal" and healthy, and sicker then sick that same day. You don't take the time needed for yourself or can't accept the help that is offered because you want to be "supermom." Life is interrupted and comes to a screeching halt. All 3 of our boys have something medically going on with them at the moment and I can see my pockets emptying quite quickly. I can't help but envy the people that have kids with no problems and can enjoy the little outing they can take. I was watching a mom push her little girl on the swing today while I was holding Damon during one of his many awakenings during a nap today. I thought how lucky she was to be able to go to the park by herself and enjoy her. When I go to the park, its hard to go alone because I have Niko in the snugly, Damon in the stroller and Keenan wanting me to play with him. I feel so bad for Keenan. In the above picture where he is holding Nikos chair he is already learning how to multi task. I was making dinner and he was reading a magazine and rocking him. As I told Keenan we had to go to the Dr. AGAIN, 3 days in a row, he threw a fit and said "no I stay here!" I hate to drag him around to everything. The last week has been nothing but appts, blood draws, and so on. Can i just get a break? I need a friend to get together with, I need a mom that gets what I'm going through, I need an Ipod in my ears, and salvation army. Weird I know but that sounds so relaxing!

In the end, these kids are my life. They are what keeps me humble and I am grateful to be their mom. It is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and is getting harder, and I never pictured my life this way. There is a reason, and I am grateful to know where we stand in this life.