NG Tube placement

Well it has been a long few days for us here in Seattle. We got here on monday evening and checked into our hotel nearby. We had clinic appts on Tuesday and Wednesday then admitted today for the NG tube placement. We sat a long time in our room before it was put in. I had no idea that he wasn't getting put under for this procedure. But they want parents to watch so that you know how to do it, if it ever comes out. First attempt the cord was about hald way down and then it was getting blocked. I was holding him at this time and he ended up throwing up and gagging throwing up his ice cream he ate with blood. They tried the other side but the same thing except no throwing up. They tried a smaller tubing that they usually use on newborns and it was easier to put down. After watching him go through that I won't even attempt to try it. No way! I have never experienced something like that with him before. All his other major things he is put under and I don't know what goes on until I see him in recovery. This time he was wide awake and aware of what was going on. It was hard to keep myself put together and I had to look away to fight the tears from rolling down my face. But I did gracefully but I will never forget the look on his face when he found me just looking at him and not being able to hold him. The saddest look ever and the little wimpers of helplessness. I know this is just something small to go through but it won't be the last of things with him. I hate seeing him suffer and I hate seeing him go through more in his little 5 years of life then anyone has to their whole life. But there is a reason he is made this way and reason he our son and so I just keep focus on the bigger picture in life.